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When What You've Always Wanted Isn't What You've Always Wanted

August 22, 2013 4:03 pm · Posted by marybabysteps

The other day I posted an incredibly cryptic and vague Facebook update. It said:

Whoa. That moment when you get that thing you always wanted, then realize that it is most definitely NOT what you always wanted. And then you realize that what you really want is that other thing you were sure was the exact opposite of what you would ever have chosen. Yeah, that. I feel a blog post coming on.

Yes, I know. I hate it when people post stuff like that, too. It doesn't really say anything, and it's kind of a tease. Except I had a real epiphany, and I wanted to share it because I had the feeling that others might just get what I'm saying. Turns out, some of my friends did get it and could relate. I know I said I felt a blog post coming on, but I'm afraid that I still have to be a bit vague. However, I will share what I can in an attempt to explain my rather odd Facebook status. 

photo credit: DeeAshley via photopin cc

Recently, I wrote about my current divorce. Yes, I said current divorce. That is to differentiate between the divorce I'm going through now and my past divorce. It seems I am going to need to develop a new vocabulary regarding divorce. I'm learning to incorporate terms such as "my first husband" and "the big kids' dad" in order to indicate which former husband I'm talking about. There are still a number of feelings that I'm dealing with regarding having gone through two divorces before the age of 40 (I turn 40 next month.), but one thing I want to focus on is the opportunity that comes with this change in my life. 

I've realized this is a chance for me to rewrite some things in my life that I'm not happy with, besides just my marital relationship. And I've been working to put myself out there, step out of my comfort zone and make changes all around. Well, not that long ago a change was introduced into my life that, on paper, seemed to be just what I'd always wanted and had been looking for. I thought this change would enhance my experiences and make me so happy. There was another change that I came across at about that same time. I was intrigued by this one, too, but I was also afraid it might be a bit too complicated for my liking., so I focused my energy on the thing I'd been longing for. 

I'm sure you can probably guess what's coming in this rather long, complicated and vague story of mine. You can, right? Yep, that thing I'd always wanted and had been so excited to get actually turned out to be far more complicated than the one I felt certain would actually provide too many complications in my life. In fact, that thing I'd always wanted turned out to cause me a number of negative feelings and emotions that I absolutely had no desire to deal with during this transition period and reinvention. What a wake-up call it is to realize that if you allow yourself to be open to possibilities you otherwise may never have considered, you're likely to end up feeling happier and more authentic in your pursuits than if you narrowly focus on one particular kind of goal or experience. 

Who knows? We all change with time and experiences. I may discover down the line that the thing I need is something entirely different than the choice I've made now. What's important is that I'm aware of and open to the possibility. If that day comes, I'm confident I'll be more flexible and emotionally healthy in the way that I deal with it. 

So did that make my update any more clear for you? Well, it was cathartic for me.

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