Yes, I said bitch. Not something you see a lot here at Everyday Baby Steps. I do swear in real life. Not like a sailor or anything, but I do. I don't swear (until now) on my blog. Wanna know why? Because I was afraid to offend any potential readers. Truly, I was. I rationalized it by saying that it doesn't make sense to drive people away who may be offended by swear words and that there really isn't any need to use them. But the truth? I was scared to lose possible readers or to offend anyone.
Fear Has Held Me Back In So Many Ways
I do try to be myself on this blog. I hope that I show my compassion, my genuine interest in supporting and encouraging other moms, and my love of all things cosmetics. But I haven't really talked much about my faults, my quirks, or my fears here. I just noticed that the times I did share more of myself are the times I received the most comments. Interesting.
My whole life, I've allowed fear to hold me back . I can remember, as a little girl, wanting to try new things but holding back because I was afraid. In fact, I see that in my own daughter, and it breaks my heart. I try so hard to encourage her and to show her it's okay to try new things. So why can't go beyond the fear and try myself? Why can't I take my own advice?
Fear and My Career
One of the most frustrating things about letting fear rule my life is the impact its had on my career. I've had some wonderful opportunities over the last couple of years since deciding to pursue freelance writing. I've taken advantage of many of them, but I've let many others just slip away. I've used excuses like being too busy, leading such a hectic lifestyle with three kids, not having the money... Truth is, I was afraid. Afraid to pursue more, to go after better, to look for the opportunities that excite me.
Instead, I've stuck with the safe and easy writing opportunities. While I've taken steps to move ahead to better paying jobs, for the most part, I'm still not where I'd like to be. This realization really hit home for me last week when I lost a pretty decent writing job. I was bummed, and I was scared. But I was kind of relieved. The material was boring and not very fulfilling, beyond the paycheck. And that check? Not bad compared to many jobs, but this was a rather large company, and it's likely they could've paid more.
Moving Beyond the Fear
So now what do I do? I'm not exactly sure, but I have some pretty good ideas. For starters, I plan to be more real here on my own blog, my personal outlet. Also, I'm feeling very energized about the ideas I have for pitching to national publications. While I'm realistic about the number of writers whose queries are accepted to the big magazines, I also know that I can no longer let fear stop me from trying. I convinced myself in the past that I didn't have time to query, wait for a response, do a ton of research, and wait even longer for a paycheck. I know now that self-fulfillment in what I write and what I'm worth as a writer is worth the wait and the work. It's certainly worth dealing with the fear. Damn it.
This really hits home. I've struggled with the same thing. Letting fear stop me from doing things. Things I could do, things I wanted to do. I've been working on it the last few months. Taking steps in spite of my fears. It's hard, but I know something I have to for myself.