I am not a person who asks for help easily. I hate it. It goes against every fiber of my being to admit that I can't do something on my own. This past year or so since my divorce has been one of the most humbling times of my life. It seems there has been one obstacle after another that has come my way. I have broken down and asked for help occasionally, but I have shown very few people the true extent of how hard things have been.
Recently, I ran into another obstacle, both figuratively and literally, I guess you'd say. While taking my oldest son to an important Honors Band audition, I hit a slick spot in the road and lost control. We veered off the road and hit a tree. Thankfully, neither of us were hurt. Can't say the same for my car. And Noah was just heart broken that he missed the audition he'd worked so hard for.
That car wreck was a rough blow because it seemed I was just starting to get back on my feet. The kids were all in school full-time, and I was able to focus all day on writing without interruption. I will admit that I still struggled financially, but I had money regularly coming in. I can't say the same for this entire past year. There were times throughout the year that it was so bad I couldn't even afford toilet paper. One time, I feared I wouldn't be able to buy the antibiotic I needed. Fortunately, I found out about the pharmacy's free list of antibiotics and was able to get my prescription.
I jump at the sound of the doorbell, and I hate to check my mail. I'm always looking for the shut-off notice or wondering if the utility company is at the door waiting to turn something off. You see, I'm still trying to catch up on payments for the times I wasn't able to make them. It seems I am constantly trying to keep my head above water. But I was getting there. Except now I'm without a vehicle. I was upside down in my high interest car loan, owing more than the car is worth. Also, client orders really slow down in the month of December, so my income, that was just getting us by, has decreased.
These obstacles are honestly almost more than I can bear after a year of struggle. Following the car accident, I was nearly ready to give up. I was convinced that I can't do this single mother thing and wondered if the kids' dads should have primary custody. While my kids have absolutely awesome dads, it's really not something that is practical in one case nor logistically feasible in the other. So giving up isn't an option. Plus, as much as they drive me crazy sometimes, I couldn't imagine not living with those wild children. No, there will be no giving up.
A couple friends suggested I start a GoFundMe campaign. I bristled at the idea. God, I hate to beg, and I know there are people out there who have it so much worse. But I'm just so tired, and I don't see a way to get through the month of December and move toward obtaining independent transportation once again without assistance. Without financial help, I will simply fall further behind, and I fear that catching up will become impossible.
Mostly, I broke down and decided to ask for help because of my kids. They've watched me struggle. They've seen the stress. They've missed out on so many things, the latest being Noah's audition. It would be such a gift to be able to give them a calm holiday season. I'm not talking physical or material gifts. My kids already know that there will be few presents under the tree, and they're okay with that. What I want to give them is a mom who can spend time with them free of worry and anxiety. To be quite truthful, that hasn't happened often over the past year, though I try not to let my stress spill over onto them.
I wanted to write this post because I feel that if I'm going to ask people to help me, I owe them an honest explanation of just what has led me to ask. I share quite a lot on this blog. I'm an open person. However, I rarely show my deepest, darkest struggles. What I've learned in the past is, that when I do, there is always someone who tells me they can relate or that they were helped by knowing they weren't alone in their difficulties. So I have laid it all out here. If you are able to contribute to my GoFundMe campaign, I would be so very appreciative and grateful.